Reflections After Six Months of Marriage

Photo by Ben Rosett

Josh and I have been together now for almost two and a half years. When I think about what life with him was like back then I just giggle and I struggle to wipe a goofy smile off my face. We were so young and shy, I think most of the time we were hiding our true selves from each other in hopes that we would convince the other we were like-able before our weirdness was uncovered. We thought we were so different and struggled to find things that we have in common.We literally had a physical list we would add to called "Things Josh and Katy Don't Agree On". But now after six months of living with him and being his wife and after two and a half years of getting to know him more; I can't imagine doing life with anyone more similar to me.

The next six months for us are going to be crazy and so much fun with a healthy dose of stress mixed in. Heck, the next three months are probably going to contain most of that crazy, stressful fun. But honestly I wouldn't want to do all of it with anyone else. There are just a few things on my mind that I would like to share after six months of marriage.

Marriage has been a Confidence Boost
My husband boosts my confidence on a daily basis. I wake up every morning to someone who rolls over and says "your face just shines in the morning". Well thank you, love, I know for a fact I have stinky morning breath and boogers in my eyes. But every morning it's like he missed my face while I was sleeping and it feels so good. My love language has never been words of affirmation but last year was a struggle with self worth and confidence, now my heart just eats up the compliments. So maybe that has changed. Josh has handled that change with such grace and he's good at giving me encouragement. Ladies, wait for a guy that loves you the way you need to be loved and work on becoming a woman who loves other people biblically and in a way that encourages them.

I've also been able to pursue a lot of goals that in the past I would've worried other people would think were stupid. Josh reminds me that I am enough just the way I am, that I can be myself and that other people's opinions of things I find enjoyable don't matter. I'm also thankful because Josh doesn't let me stay the way that I am, he also encourages me to improve my skills and calls me out when I'm doing the wrong thing or making bad decisions. He loves me where I am but doesn't let me stay there. In this way, Josh loves me a lot like God does.

Marriage Isn't Perfect 
Somehow, even early on, Josh and I are one of those couples that people compliment. And trust me, I eat them up and I feel good about all of the admiration. However, I remember conversations with friends where it was like, please, don't compare your relationship to ours, we have problems too! Sometimes there is just too much pressure when people on the outside think your relationship is something to admire. We aren't perfect people, just last night we ended the day in tears and harsh words and silence. One problem I see with social media is that it's easy to make your life look perfect online. So just to be clear: Josh and I are flawed and therefore, our marriage is too. There are times when I look at him and think, wow, I can't imagine being married to anyone else and there are other times when I ask God if we made the right decision. There are elements of our relationship that have grown and matured, and other areas where we are down right falling apart. That's the thing about two sinners getting married, we suck at covenant relationships. And in a covenant relationship, I don't get to back away from Josh even if there are times when I want to. I'm supposed to uphold my promises even when he doesn't uphold his, and vice versa. It's a lot harder than it seemed when I was wearing a white dress and putting a ring on his finger.

Marriage is Good
But to end on a good note, even through tears, harsh words and silence, a lot of good lessons are learned. I've learned to not have unrealistic expectations for my husband. If I set him up too high on a pedestal, the only space I'm giving him to go is down. Sometimes I find myself making comparisons between our relationship and others. It isn't fair and is usually the source of those unrealistic expectations. But I've also learned that I have tell him what I need. I've learned that I'm not a good listener most of the time and I have to figure out how to make time for others. I've said this several times since I met Josh but I learn about love so acutely from loving him. He's like a mini research project where I learn about the rest of the world. Being married to him has only intensified all of those lessons, which are hard to learn but also good. Marriage teaches me how to interact with other people and ultimately teaches me how to be like Jesus.

I have this plan to write a reflection on our marriage at the end of each year we share together. I'm excited to see how we grow and change. Marriage is a great adventure and it is where I find out how loved I am by God through the love that Josh shows to me. When we submit to each other out of reverence for Christ, our marriage begins to reflect the grace and sacrifice that Jesus showed us when He loved us enough to die for our sins. One of my favorite quotes is from Matt Chandler's book, The Mingling of Souls, he writes "what we learn in the Song of Songs is that a marriage shaped according to this gospel of grace, forged over years of hard-earned trust and forgiveness, can be an unsafe place for sin but a very safe place for sinners. In a gospel-centered marriage, when two souls are mingled together with the Holy Spirit's leading, we find confirmation after confirmation that grace is true, that grace is real - that we can be really, truly, deeply known and at the same time really, truly, deeply loved." Marriage isn't necessarily "happily ever after" but it is a tool God is using to renew me and change my heart.