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| Photo by Amy Li |
Loss of Freedom
This is something I remember being very scary for me when I told Josh in April that if his internships fell through I was no longer opposed to being married. I'm an only child so I highly value my independence, I like to have my own schedule and get things finished at my own pace. I knew when I got married I wouldn't have that independence anymore. My life would be tied with him and I would have to give him parts of my schedule, do things on his timeline sometimes. The idea of my life being interwoven so intimately with someone else made me anxious. In my mind I wanted to finish out school with my own agenda. But as I prayed about it I realized that it didn't matter when I got married, joining my life with someone else would still be hard regardless of timing. Either I'd learn how to juggle our schedules with school or I'd learn to do it with work. It wouldn't be any different.
Too Expensive
Personally, this one wasn't really a fear of mine. I worried a little but when I thought about it I realized that this wasn't actually true. I'll offer this thought, how are you doing financially as individuals? If both of you can afford rent, utilities, car insurance, tuition, etc. separately, why does getting married make everything magically more expensive? The truth is, it will probably be cheaper for you to get married and live together while going to school. I'll use my husband and I as an example. When we talked about getting married last April we brought up a few wedding date scenarios, we could get married at the end of the summer or we could get married in December. My husband was pretty opposed to the idea of December mainly because of the cost. Rent where we live right now is $500 a month and we have roommates, if I had lived on my own this semester waiting for our December wedding, my rent would be $300 because I had roommates already. But Josh would have had to find an apartment of his own which in our town could be around $600 for a one bedroom place. We decided that it was kind of ridiculous for us to spend almost twice as much living separately and still claim that it was a cheaper option.
That's just one sample of the costs of living but being married can also affect your financial aid eligibility and if you're in my situation having a husband who works while I finish school is actually quite nice. I'm not nearly as worried about my finances because I know Josh is working longer hours than I am and getting paid more for the work that he does. Now, for some people the parent thing might come into this picture which I'll address later. I'll add this to close this section, if either you or your significant other is doing poorly financially, that is a conversation that needs to be had before you get engaged. Don't hide money troubles from the person you love especially if you intend to combine money later on. This is a subject where the two of you need to be on the same page. Josh and I don't fight nearly as much as we did when we were dating but when we do fight in marriage it is almost always about money. Be on the same page, it will start you off on a peaceful path.
Losing Focus on School
This was probably the thing I was worried about most. My goal for senior year was to get all A's and I was really afraid that being married would distract me from that goal. However I think that eventually I realized that Josh actually helps me focus and be more productive. He encourages me and calls me out when I'm distracted and not working diligently. While we were dating I felt a lot of stress over balancing our relationship and working hard on school. Because we didn't live together, the want to hang out with him made me rush through my work or put it off to spend time with him instead. Marriage is a totally different and better situation for my productivity. Josh likes it when the house is clean so he helps with dishes and laundry which lessens my stress to accomplish those tasks and work on school. He also asks me to get my work done before we do something fun and some nights he would even stay up late with me this last semester so that I had company while finishing homework or studying.
I wish I could tell you that I accomplished my goal but I didn't and I don't think it was because I got married. If we hadn't gotten married in August, it might've been a December wedding which would have meant I was wedding planning during my hardest semester of school. Or Josh could've gotten an internship in Dallas, which would have meant trying to maintain a long distance relationship. Either option would have been more stressful than living with my best friend and encourager. He kept me calm when school was extremely stressful and encouraged me. He was consistent to remind me of my worth and how hard I had worked even when I didn't reach my goal. But there is next semester and I can restart my goal and I can use the study and organizational tools I've been working on again and hope for the best. This blog post explains the school thing really well and even some other things that I have mentioned. Ultimately marriage brings a lot of responsibility to my life. Doing well in school is something that will affect my future and now Josh's as well.
The Opinions of Your Parents
This was not an issue that I faced in particular but I know it's something that many face and I think it needs to be addressed. There are plenty of things that parents could have concerns about in regards to you being engaged and getting married in college. These could be concerns about your emotional maturity, your financial stability, losing focus on school etc. I would encourage you to have these conversations with your parents because a good relationship with your parents is important and valuable. Your parents likely will be able to give you wise advice and maybe offer some thoughts that you had not considered, listen to them and if you disagree, do so respectfully.
Ultimately you are an adult (if you're 18 or older) and this decision is between you and your future spouse, it is up to you to decide if you can handle the consequences that might occur if your parents don't approve of your final decision. For some of you this might mean having to take on more expenses that you haven't been covering on your own. This is definitely something to consider. My one caution in this area, is to take parent concern with a grain of salt, some parents are just scared that their baby is growing up and that is not a valid reason to keep you from getting married. Be respectful of your parents but be cautious about their concerns. If you believe the best thing for you to do is to get married, hopefully you have parents like mine who are supportive, love you, and trust your judgement. This might also be a good time to talk to your parents, if they aren't extremely supportive, about the role they will have in your decisions once you graduate or once you are married. I've left out one important part of this decision and that is God. Three people make the decision to get married: you, your love, and God. God trumps parents, they love you and want the best for you, but if it's God's will for you to be married college, you will be married in college. Your fears, your parent's fears, your significant other's fears, if you're making them read this, none of it can stop the will of God. And that, my friends, is a very good thing.
Not Being Able to Live with Friends
This is definitely more of an issue for girls I think. Us girls love our girl time, in my case, Josh and I decided to get married so late that I get to have girl time with our roommates a lot and that is something I am thankful for. However, I promise you ladies, as soon as you're living with your best friend and married, having girl time won't be as big of a priority in your life, it's just how life works. I love my roommates, but I'm so excited to have my own home with Josh. This, I think, is part of growing up. I love that I have been able to hang out with my married friends and their husbands the past few months and that I've had some of my unmarried friends over for dinner. Living with your friends is a time that should be treasured but I think once you're married, you'll realize that this is just another moment in your life where you'll learn to make time for the things and people that are a priority to you. If not in college, you'll hopefully get married to your special person soon and you won't live with your friends and I promise you, living with your husband will be wonderful.
One More Thing To Do
Finally, my very transparent friend that I dearly love shared this final thought. And here's what I have to say to this: college is busy and you have a lot going on with work, classes, homework and friends, it feels even more busy because you have this person that you love and you want to spend time with them too. But marriage is just one more thing to do. There is a wedding, a honeymoon, moving in together, finding a place to live. It's actually more than just one thing on top of all the other stuff you have to do in your life. And that is stressful...or seems so anyway. My thought on this is that it doesn't have to be, stress and worry like this depend on your attitude about them. If you think something will be stressful and you act like it, that thing will automatically be stressful. My wedding planning had elements that were stressful but if it got too stressful I just deemed it unimportant. And actually the short engagement really contributed to the peaceful atmosphere. My advice is to keep your engagement around 6 months or less and if you really feel its necessary, please don't do more than a year. And it does feel like one more thing to do, because it is a big one more thing to do. I'd encourage you to pray about it, if this is your only reason left, are you willing to do this one more thing to honor God and the person that you love?
Final Thoughts
Marriage is a big deal and by writing this post I am not saying that this timeline is for everyone. If you have these fears, they are valid. This post is mainly for those who are thinking about getting married in college and these are the thoughts that I have about the fears and concerns that I had and that people I know have. If you are struggling with these fears, think of this post as the devil's advocate approach to all of the reasons that you have come up with. Maybe this post encourages you not to get married, if that's the decision you come to, congratulations for thinking it through and being mature. If this post encourages you to do the opposite and get married, congratulations that's so exciting and I wish you the best for your marriage (also let me know because I'd love to be praying for you and your love).
Ultimately, my hope and prayer is that this post would encourage you to honor and obey God. If in the back of your mind you think that marrying this person would not honor Him because the person you love is not a Christian (see 2 Corinthians 6:14 because it's not a good plan to even date someone who doesn't love the Lord) or maybe neither of you is financially stable. Then I hope that this post made you consider those things and decide to obey. On the other hand, if in the back of your mind you think that God will be more honored by your marriage because you're struggling to stay pure (see 1 Corinthians 7) or all of the reasons you thought were true seem kind of silly after reading this, then I hope you decide to obey. For me, by seeking wisdom through prayer, I reversed my answer to Josh and I told him that I was open to whatever plan God had for our lives. When I told Josh I would marry him if his internships fell through, I didn't know if they would but I knew telling him was the right thing. I decided to trust God and obey Him, knowing that if the plan was to live in a small town in Kansas so Josh could serve our church and the teenagers near it, he would be faithful and I could be joyful in that. And you know what? He is faithful and the fears that I had are small in comparison to the joy that I feel knowing that I get to love Josh and watch Him serve God for my whole life starting sooner than I thought and so small compared to the peace that came when I chose to obey God and trust Him.
So, dear reader, my prayer is that you would trust and obey, no matter the outcome. Listen to God, above the noise of your parents who don't want you to get married or your love who is trying to convince you when you know it's not right yet or your friends who are begging you to live with them one more year or even the people at church who think marriage is the right thing for everyone right now. Honor God and obey Him, He will work the rest out. And that is not a promise that your decision will come without consequences but my prayer is that you will follow God's command even if you know that consequences will come.
If you would like to talk through this with me, even if we are not real life friends, my email is on my About Me page and I would love to pray with you and listen to your concerns or questions.
Grace and peace to you!
PS: Thanks to my awesome friend who shared her thoughts with me knowing that I would share them on the internet! I'm thankful for your transparency and I admire the way you are thinking through all of these things and seeking the Lord about the timing and possibility of your future marriage.
